Talks with John

"How do you stand sitting next to her?"
"I dont. I look at her every 5 seconds to see if shes looking back at me. But I never see it."

Monday 9/12

Quick, go in the bathroom, face the mirror, and tell yourself you're beautiful. Fix your hair a billion times and try to note any significant difference after you fixed it. My dear, you were perfect to start with. Take a step back, look at your current outfit, and think of all the things you wouldve changed if you had time this morning. My dear, you were perfect this morning...before you even woke up. And thirdly, as you read this, think of all the other things wrong with yourself emotionally, mentally, internally. Your lack of self-reasoning, insecurities, incapability to make up your mind of what you want. My dear, those imperfections are beautiful. So face the mirror again, but this time, mean what you say.

East Grove

I'll be straight, just sayin', fuck these bitches.
I'm just trippin', all they do is watch me slippin'.
So early every night, yall can watch me dippin'
Headin to my crack spot, injectin' the life i should be livin'.
And right now I'm in a fucked up situation.
Initiation, got a deal, but just playin em: imitation.
Imagination, it seems like we lost it.
Like a life that was taken, but at what cost is it costin'.
Right now I'm headin for the front door,
Sorry we aint close homies no more.
Honestly I'm sick of it, but I'm livin with it.
I'll find a time to apologize, I'm livin with this shit.
Pickin up the pace, lookin back at the lost days.
Thinkin of all the ways, of all the things I should say.
But all I got is a bunch of word slurs, when the fucks my turn.
I just cant do this, so imma just let it burn.

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Maybe

Maybe youre not in love. Maybe youre in love with the thought of being in love. And maybe i never really loved you. Oh i wish that was true. That would make getting over you so much easier. Maybe you never even liked me. Maybe you thought we wouldnt last and just give it a try. But i know the truth. You fell, hard. You fell right into my arms. And i trusted you enough to fall backward towards you only to find my head in the pavement. So maybe you should think again. Do you love me? And do i love you? Maybe.

Today

It couldve been, wouldve been... It shouldve been.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

To You

I'm sorry you had to be my fortune cookie. Broken so I could find out something that I should've already known.

Your Love

Your love is sweet. Your love is kind.
Your love is understanding. Your love, I don't mind.
Your love is generous. Your love is giving.
Your love is genuine. Your love is why I'm living.
But I don't want your love, because I already have my love
My love is dangerous. Its like walking through a dark forest, falling into a hole 10 feet deep with sharpened spikes sticking up from the ground. That's my love.
My love is hurtful. Its like taking a boys life, dragging it through the mud, and handing it back to his mother saying, "this is yours." That's my love.
My love is unsure. Its like picking red or blue knowing something happens with both, but not knowing which is right, so you choose blindly.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Craving

A park, a picnic blanket, a sunny day, "My Heart is Yours" playing, a lover, love.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Not Enough

See, look. I've never felt more distant from you than when you were right beside me.

I was never capable of having that feeling of being wanted, unless we were fighting.

See, look. Once I heard a man say, "Oh, I get it now. Because it's much more fun loving someone who doesn't love you back."

Well guess what. That's true for you and now I'm spinning in a circle; my life is off track.

The things I did for you, you did for me; and you had me thinking that I wasn't just an ordinary human being.

I was yours, your souldmate. I was everything you wanted, but nothing you needed. 

To you, in my eyes, I was just a filler in the space. A crinkled up reason to not do your homework or not go home on time.

You lied to me saying you wanted to be with me, but that was only true as long as I had money.

I told you that I would do everything I could to make you happy, but I guess everything isn't good enough.

So I bought you everything, gave you all my love, but I guess all my love isn't good enough.

I guess the countless hours we spent together the past year and a half weren't good enough.

I guess I wasn't good enough.

Mr. Therapy Man

See I came here for a new start, but this is the place where I learned racism doesn't start with the color of your skin. It starts with a misunderstanding.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Truth Is

We live in a culture where beauty is defined as everything we're not.
In order to fit in, you have to stick out; but when you stick out, you're viewed as being abnormal.
We live in a society where being call smart is used as an insult.
This is the place where we have the freedom to choose, but most choose the wrong.
Our country is where the old die early and the young die earlier.
This is our foundation of sacrifice, built on blood, sweat, tears, and injustice.
And I can't help but wonder some things.
Like why are we debating over health care, when most can't care for their health.
And why do we have life insurance, but it doesn't insure life.
If this is America, someone please tell me where our freedom is.
Where is the "fresh start?" Where is the better life?
Where are we?
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

I Hate You

I seriously hate you.
I seriously hate how you hear, to how you breathe.
I seriously hate everything between your head, to your knees.
I seriously hate what you heard, to your every word.
I seriously hate how you look at me, the same as you look at others.
I seriously hate the fact that you called me a brother, instead of lover.
I seriously hate that you would leave me, and find another love.
I seriously hate the next guy that you'll be thinking of.
But most of all, I seriously hate myself for being everything you didn't want.
I seriously hate myself for being the reason for your pain.
I seriously hate that I make your life miserable.
I seriously hate myself. That's it: I seriously hate myself. And my life, and all that I've done.
But most importantly, you should know, that I seriously loved you.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

How Awkward

When the hoe you payin is friends with the girl you're cheatin.
Sent on the Now Network� from my Sprint® BlackBerry

Everyday, I wake up and stand outside under the sun to convince my shadow I'm someone worth following.

God

Dear God, tell me why, why i feel so lost.
and God, tell me why, why i've felt this way for so long.

I'll just learn to get over the fact that you're not mine. I wish you knew how I really felt. Behind all this lust for power, greed, and insecurities; theres me

Exactly the Same

Almost over the 3 day hump.

Room 615

I know I screw up, I’ll just admit it.
If one of us has problems, I’m the one with it.
And since we’re confessing, I know that its wrong.
I won’t make excuses, I’m a child for too long.
Patiently waiting, some times I’m reckless.
But I just can’t lose you, I crave for that essence.
If you would just trust that this is sincere.
And ignore all the hate and shit that you hear.
Cause I can’t handle this shit on my own.
I wish I could have you till we are both grown.
Just ignore what they do, and do what is right.
Can we just fix this cause I hate when we fight.
Nights all seem endless, days are thrown away.
Everytime that your angry, I just want you to stay.
Its you and me, love between just us two.
Girl, please believe me. I just need you.

Mid June

I was never more certain of the decisions I made in the present, but I have come to learn to regret them now that they lie in the past. Mistakes were made, harsh words, poor choice of words as well. I've died; born to die I am. However, I believe its worthless fighting the inevitable. It was bound to happen. You were destined to break apart, and I was destined to leave. "Parting is such sweet sorrow." Romeo, if you loved like I love her, actually if I love like you loved, could this just be another set back. It eats me alive knowing you're gone, but it tears me apart knowing I did it. I'm overly conflicted: emotionally, mentally, and somewhat physically. I'm finding the will to stay alive. Give me a reason, please.